You’re on your bed, twisting and turning, hoping to find the most comfortable position for sleep, then suddenly your hands brush against a strange, hard and lumpy feel in one of your breast.
In an instant, all the sleep goes away, but you’re not yet sure it isn’t a dream so you touch it one more time to confirm.
There it is, round, almost stony and different from the rest of the breast. The reality hits you fast and hard, breaking itself in bits and sinking into your thoughts.
The tears just fall freely and you grope in the darkness for your phone
“Hello Google, I just found a lump on my breast”
It is there, the dreadful word you would never have dared to draw into a sentence with your name ‘breast cancer!’ God forbid.
‘WebMd’ is never subtle, they shock you further with the possibility of what it may be. Even as your mind tries to argue with the glaring reality, you feel for your lump again and it’s still there.
The internet says you’re at a greater risk if you’ve had any relation that had battled cancer.
Woe betide you orphans.
It says you have to be at least 40 to even start worrying.
But your 22 year old self is right here, right now, doing this.
You run this train of thoughts until you’re exhausted then you turn to faith and hope that by tomorrow when you wake, the episode is all over like a bad nightmare.
I’m sorry, but tomorrow is here and the lump remains.
In the midst of the confusion you shower and get ready to go to the hospital, alone. This is to critical a news to let out now, not now when you still want to believe it’s all a big joke.
*Betty Be..
Your name cuts through the maze of your worry and you realise it’s your turn to see the doctor
Sobbing” doctor, there’s a lump on my chest”
Doctor, lie down let me check you.
He straight facedly checks you, dwelling a little on the lump and raising his doctor-ly face a little too high as he touches the hard spot.
Oh, how you wish you could read his dark brown eyes and poker face.
Damn! Did you just imagine some new lines forming on his face.
This must be really bad you think, suddenly goosebumps and tears all over again.
Doctor: when was your last period?
*Betty: I’m seeing it now
D: are you on any birth control
*Betty: (the sirens in your head just won’t stop) yes sir, I started last month
Doc: scribbles down some notes while looking at you.
You’re scared and you start to explain.
“I just got a new boyfriend and we just started to have sex and I wanted to be safe. I actually only took it for one week but I stopped because I kept on forgetting. It’s those dail…y (sobs)
Doc: well you see, Betty there are two types of lumps benign or cancerous, because of your age we can only hope it is benign. I would refer you to the surgery department to get it properly checked.
The fear, the worries, the hope, the search for courage and knowledge. You suddenly know what lymphnodes are.
Your own body feels strange, you wonder if this newness has come to betray you.
You blame yourself, maybe you’ve been a bit careless about yourself
“Oh if I can live through this, God, I swear I’ll be better” you cry out looking up.
You trudge through each day, trying to pretend that it’s fine. Nothing else matters when what’s worth waiting for is the doctors appointment.
“I’m strong
I can do this
Why me
I do not deserve this
Have mercy oh God “…
My hands are always reaching to check my breast and some moments, I’m crazy enough to believe the lump has disappeared .
There’ll not be enough words to describe the way you’ll fell, every second as uncertainty eats up your insides.
First a scan, then a mammogram, then surgery, then radiation but no manual will ever prepare you for what you’ll face in a battle with your own body
The day of the scan, I try to walk confident.
I’m already used to taking off my clothes and laying naked waiting for the curios touch of the doctor,
He prodes, touches, but those towers lay dead
I’m even to weak to try read the lines on his forehead as he inquires into the scan machine.
“Please dress up and wait outside”
I jolt back into reality.
This is about to be a very long wait
And when I’m called.
My mind is alert
And I hear it clear.
“The features are highly suggestive of fibroadenoma, hence the decrease in size you no… however, …you can come back in a few months …..for a routine check.”
The veil is suddenly lifted and I walk happily out of the doctors office. I call my best friend to shed some tears of joy.
I have won, yet again another battle with my body.
This is how freedom is spelt.
This post is dedicated to everyone who has ever felt a lump on their breast either benign or malignant.
You will conquer fear.
This is standing with those who are battling the big C. I can only pray that you find grace and more strength in your battles. You’re already a winner.
And for those who have had to bear the pain of a loved ones battle. You will be comforted.
Chukulee 