There is love
There is a mother’s love
There is another kind of love
A type that brings both lovers to ruin
From the first time I can ever recall anything, I am 5 years old.
My birthday.
There was a cake, boxes of juice.
It wasn’t a party, it was just me and her.
She sang me happy birthday and kissed me a little to long.
Long… er,
I wanted to ask her why my friends from school were not allowed to come for my party.
“Shhsh baby, today is a special day that must be celebrated by you and I.”
She had a very smooth and calm face,
No lines…
Her face was a mask.
Sometimes, she wore the happy one
Other times, she wore the fierce frown.
Especially when she she would warn me about staying to long at the playground after school.
There’s care
There is a mother’s care
There is another kind of care
A kind that seem overshadowed by self
The baths lingered for too long
A little long… er
The scrub after scrub that felt like a caress.
“Let me wash that part for you” her lips would part open to pour out in a bird-like song.
When I was 10, I went to the store to fit for a bra.
The store lady looked at my frail shoulders and asked my age twice to be sure she heard 10.
My chest was heavy
But she cupped it with a perfect pink top bra
Mama would always caress the straps
Dragging it and letting it slap my skin
“My girl” her eyes said as she smiled with pride.
That was some days before I stopped attending school
I guess it was enough to know how to read and write
But never know the difference between good and evil.
Every dinner was candle lit
Shrimps and pasta
Wine and cheese
To her
Love was worth celebrating
When I was 15
I bled
Crimson red
Not from the hurts
But it hurt
She would rub my back, gently kissing my tears away
That was the only time she let me out to the mall for some ice cream
That was the crack that let lonely in
Girls who looked like me
Laughing happily in the sun
But there I was
A prisoner to love.
“Why am I not allowed to play with other girls?”
“Why don’t you let me out?”
“Why don’t we ever get visitors?”
“Why do you keep me locked in?”
“Baby, they are evil and I just want to protect you.” She would gentle say. But her eyes warned me to be quiet.
There are dreams
There are bad dreams
And nightmares
Those that leave us sweaty and scared
Then the other type that strike us icy cold
Because it felt so real
I see her creeping upon me naked
From the shadows
I choose not to scream as she enters me
Then the bad dream is over
I hear her crying in the shower.
There is crazy
And there is madness
The type that pushes you to kill in the name of love.
I push the knife deeper into her chest
And I feel freedom
There is no struggle
I guess she also wanted to be free.
The sirens are blazing
Cops, cops, cops and more cops
I’m crying
And I can hear a million voices
“She was crazy”
“She went off her meds”
“Molesting her own daughter”
“Poor child”
They tell me everything is going to be fine now
And a nice lady cop offers me some ice cream
Suddenly I’m 2
Happy and young
Before any of these.
Chukulee 